Almost every couple that comes for marriage therapy describes the problem of poor communication in their relationship. It may be expressed by a man as, “she does not listen to me” or by his wife as, “he never tells me how he really feels.” Frequently, most of these couples have an unclear idea of what good communication actually means, so it seems like a good idea to take a brief look at how we can more effectively talk to one another.

First of all, remember from the outset that whenever two individuals fall in love, it is like two universes coming together, and the sky is not the same color in both universes. In other words, our individual expectations of how things are “supposed to be” rarely, if ever, matches that of our partner. You cannot convince your mate that the sky is blue if he or she looks out the window and sees green. Therefore, the essence of communication is not convincing someone of how they “should” see the world, rather it entails describing how you see it, listening to the other person as a whole, separate individual, and respecting each other person in the process.

With that in mind, let us imagine that you sit at a radio transmitter sending signals into the ether, hoping that your spouse or partner has a receiver that will pick up your transmission. This particular radio would require you to speak in a clear, centered manner. That is, you would need to speak from “I” and “me.” If you want to be unambiguous, you will limit your transmission to one subject, so that your listener remains clear about what you really want to say. Finally, as best you can, you would talk about whatever you want to say in the here-and-now.

If, on the other hand, you sit at your radio and begin receiving a broadcast from someone else, for instance, your spouse, then you need to be quiet and pay careful attention to get the whole message clearly; you would need to listen. Listening means that you maintain attention to the speaker’s words, as well as non-verbal clues such as tone of voice, with the goal of allowing yourself to absorb what the speaker feels and thinks. Remember that if you try to make a comment, the person at the other end cannot hear you, because they in the process of telling you something. In that case, no one gets heard. So, the listener remains quiet as long as the speaker is talking. When the speaker stops talking, they may still not want a response from you. You could, though, ask open-ended questions (who, what, when, where, how – stay away from “why” questions) to help yourself understand more of what the speaker is saying and also as a way of encouraging them to continue talking. You could also reflect back to the speaker what you hear. Doing so enables the speaker to know that you understand the message and also allows them to clarify something if they believe they are being misunderstood.

These, then, are the two roles of communication: speaker and listener. Being a good communicator requires practice, patience, and, yes, self-control. Everyone wants their point of view accepted, so it may feel difficult to stay quiet for someone else’s opinion. This task may not always be an easy one, because both sides may believe strongly in their point of view and so feel emotional.

Keep in mind what I mentioned earlier about the two universes and that everything being said refers to the speaker and the speaker’s world. Each of us may believe that we have the correct idea about an issue. Genuine growth, though, develops within loving relationships from comprehending each others’ universe. To achieve this, we need to practice the skills I have outlined here with a perspective of respect.

What is the payoff for working to discipline yourself to improve the communication with those you love? Well, first of all, you will find that you do not argue as much because you will not need to defend yourself. Second, you will feel heard more. Third, you will find that you increasingly discover more about your loved one than you could have imagined. Even couples together for decades have reported learning things about their spouse they had not known. You will also begin to share more about yourself and feel increasingly safe doing so.

Be realistic. If you genuinely want to improve communication in your relationship, you need to practice these skills on a daily basis. Also keep in mind that you cannot get your spouse to start this process; you can only make the effort to communicate and trust that your husband or wife will do the same thing. Continue trying.

As a final note, recall, as well, that none of us are perfect and all of us have bad days. If the person you love seems abrupt with you on a particular day, try to consider their manner a form of communication. On those days, “listen” with love and understanding.

For anyone interested in more information, I suggest checking out:

http://www.ehow.com/info_7876645_john-gottman-communication-styles.html.

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.

We frequently hear about the importance of meeting goals.  On the job, many of must meet such a requirement on a weekly or even daily basis.  Today, I am suggesting an alternate method to approach what we want to accomplish in our personal lives, a perspective on our hopes and ambitions.  Actually, it involves two ideas: setting intentions and letting go of the outcome.  These two concepts are closely related.

To illustrate my meaning, I would like to tell a brief story.  Imagine a football player who intercepts a pass on his own three-yard line.  Perhaps his team is losing by a few points.  He turns and begins to run down the field.  He sees the “goal” ahead of him: that line past which he needs to get the football in order to score points.  As he runs, our player hears the thudding of footfalls behind him, the opposing team, he imagines, trying to bring him down.  He passes his own ten-yard line, then the twenty-yard line, and goes on beyond the fifty-yard line, still sprinting hard.  He continues hearing his pursuers behind him and also his teammates as they block tackles.  Then, one of the opposing players reaches him, grabbing his waist.  Our player is certain he will be brought down, yet, with his eyes still fixed downfield, he breaks the tackle and keeps moving.  Our player continues running with the ball until at last a tackler gets a solid hold on him, and he falls on the three-yard line: almost, but not quite at the goal line.

Has our player failed?  Well, he certainly did not reach his “goal” of crossing the line.  To hear the cheers of the crowd and of his team though, you would not think them disappointed.  While not actually getting to the goal line, he has put his team in a very favorable position.  His intention, if not his goal, has been attained.

So here is my point: power derives from making a decision about a direction in which to take your life and then begin to vitalize it with your energy.  The decision can be as simple as getting the lawn mowed or as long-term as earning a college degree while raising a family.

After making the decision, create an intention.  Intention is a simple, present tense statement of your desire.  For instance, our player’s intention might be, “I am running to score.”  You trust that the images, talents, and knowledge that you require already exist within you or lie within your grasp through the resources you will encounter.  As our football player trusts his strength, speed, and the help of his teammates, you rely upon the personal qualities you possess and the resources that become available to you.

For many, though not everyone, visualizing yourself as having achieved your intention often proves very powerful.  Think of it as creating a mental image of yourself at the moment you fulfill what you intended to do.  Our player might see himself standing in the end zone, holding the football above his head, for example.

Now, after setting your intention, let go of the outcome.  That is, stop wondering what might happen or worrying about success.  Keep your mind on the moment, making the consistent choice to move forward, mindful of your reason for doing so.  Choose to continue on with your purpose, like our football player, who fixes his eyes on his intention even when he experiences what seems like a setback. With this frame of mind, there are no failures; the choice becomes the triumph.  There are no setbacks, only instances to look at alternatives.

Letting go of the outcome of your efforts may seem counter-intuitive at first, perhaps even somewhat naïve.  After all, you might say, bad things happen; we need to prepare for them.  Indeed unpleasant experiences do occur.  People who look for these occasions tend to find them, however, and how we frame our life experiences can predict how we experience our lives and ourselves.  More danger lies in doubt and worry than in optimism.

Moreover, when we worry about the outcome, we are putting our mental and emotional efforts, not to mention our time, into something that has not yet happened.  On the other hand, we could focus on the immediate step needed to achieve our desired end, thereby improving the odds that it will become reality.

With this perspective, problems become experiences with which to learn and deepen ourselves.  You do not “have to” attain anything.  Our fears, like unseen footfalls from our past, seeming to chase us with our memories, are, after all, only old beliefs that follow us.  They can be ignored because we have already succeeded.

Begin to practice and discover how genuinely powerful these ideas can become in your life.

Make an intention and let go of the outcome!

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.