First of all, remember from the outset that whenever two individuals fall in love, it is like two universes coming together, and the sky is not the same color in both universes. In other words, our individual expectations of how things are “supposed to be” rarely, if ever, matches that of our partner. You cannot convince your mate that the sky is blue if he or she looks out the window and sees green. Therefore, the essence of communication is not convincing someone of how they “should” see the world, rather it entails describing how you see it, listening to the other person as a whole, separate individual, and respecting each other person in the process.

With that in mind, let us imagine that you sit at a radio transmitter sending signals into the ether, hoping that your spouse or partner has a receiver that will pick up your transmission. This particular radio would require you to speak in a clear, centered manner. That is, you would need to speak from “I” and “me.” If you want to be unambiguous, you will limit your transmission to one subject, so that your listener remains clear about what you really want to say. Finally, as best you can, you would talk about whatever you want to say in the here-and-now.

If, on the other hand, you sit at your radio and begin receiving a broadcast from someone else, for instance, your spouse, then you need to be quiet and pay careful attention to get the whole message clearly; you would need to listen. Listening means that you maintain attention to the speaker’s words, as well as non-verbal clues such as tone of voice, with the goal of allowing yourself to absorb what the speaker feels and thinks. Remember that if you try to make a comment, the person at the other end cannot hear you, because they in the process of telling you something. In that case, no one gets heard. So, the listener remains quiet as long as the speaker is talking. When the speaker stops talking, they may still not want a response from you. You could, though, ask open-ended questions (who, what, when, where, how – stay away from “why” questions) to help yourself understand more of what the speaker is saying and also as a way of encouraging them to continue talking. You could also reflect back to the speaker what you hear. Doing so enables the speaker to know that you understand the message and also allows them to clarify something if they believe they are being misunderstood.

These, then, are the two roles of communication: speaker and listener. Being a good communicator requires practice, patience, and, yes, self-control. Everyone wants their point of view accepted, so it may feel difficult to stay quiet for someone else’s opinion. This task may not always be an easy one, because both sides may believe strongly in their point of view and so feel emotional.

Keep in mind what I mentioned earlier about the two universes and that everything being said refers to the speaker and the speaker’s world. Each of us may believe that we have the correct idea about an issue. Genuine growth, though, develops within loving relationships from comprehending each others’ universe. To achieve this, we need to practice the skills I have outlined here with a perspective of respect.

What is the payoff for working to discipline yourself to improve the communication with those you love? Well, first of all, you will find that you do not argue as much because you will not need to defend yourself. Second, you will feel heard more. Third, you will find that you increasingly discover more about your loved one than you could have imagined. Even couples together for decades have reported learning things about their spouse they had not known. You will also begin to share more about yourself and feel increasingly safe doing so.

Be realistic. If you genuinely want to improve communication in your relationship, you need to practice these skills on a daily basis. Also keep in mind that you cannot get your spouse to start this process; you can only make the effort to communicate and trust that your husband or wife will do the same thing. Continue trying.

As a final note, recall, as well, that none of us are perfect and all of us have bad days. If the person you love seems abrupt with you on a particular day, try to consider their manner a form of communication. On those days, “listen” with love and understanding.

For anyone interested in more information, I suggest checking out:

http://www.ehow.com/info_7876645_john-gottman-communication-styles.html.

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.

By way of examining the idea, I would like to share with you a little something about my cousin, Mike. He was born on Halloween night in 1961 with a diagnosis of Down Syndrome. The physicians at that time gave him a life expectation of about two years. When he died thirty-eight years later, he had never held a real job, though he had gone to a sheltered workshop. He had no special skills, though I still possess a hook rug that he made and gave to me. Yet, at his death no one – no one – that knew him did not treasure their relationship with Mike or value him in their life. His “usefulness,” if you could call it that, lay simply in his presence among us. Mike was Mike.

So, what about the rest of us? How could we measure our own utility? Recall the movie in which the character, George Bailey, discovered the condition of the world if had he not been born into it. He found his town a far darker place than he could have imagined. George learned that the sparkle of his laughter, the warmth of his greeting, a supporting gesture, or the joy of a compliment to someone else were among the many characteristics that made him irreplaceable to others.

The idea that we must have productivity or usefulness can be traced to an old myth reaching back into our childhood. This belief or “schema” develops innocently enough from parents, teachers, and others who encourage us to do our share of tasks in whatever group we find ourselves. The concept can increase to such a level of importance in our minds, however, that we come to think of it as a part of our being, as a part of our reality. You can challenge this old schema, though. Think of a dearly loved person and the treasure of their presence in your life. Do you give value to a function they provide, or do you simply love them? Ask yourself, then how you genuinely contribute to their well-being. To answer that question, I offer two sources of information as a start.

First, in his research into the factors of a happy marriage, John Gottman discovered powerful, affirming methods of relating to a spouse or partner. These include sharing admiration and respect for someone; approaching problem-solving in a positive way; encouraging others to talk about their hopes and dreams; trying to understand the other person’s point of view. These strategies, while very helpful in an intimate relationship, can affect anyone we know in a positive way. If these ideas look interesting, you can learn more about them on Dr. Gottman’s website:

www.gottman.com/54756/About-Gottman-Method-Couples-Therapy.

You might also be interested in reading about research by Dr. Martin Seligman, a psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania, who has extensively studied the factors of authentic happiness. I have been especially impressed with his ideas about seeking a state of contentment. In the context of our discussion here, his work informs us about how to look and experience ourselves differently, seeking to become more aware of who we are rather than the occupation in which we find ourselves or the responsibilities we assume. For more information about Dr. Seligman’s research, go to:

www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu.

I think often about comments a man of wisdom shared with me over many years. He remarked that the genuine characteristics of a happy, contented life are acceptance, generosity and gratitude. Notice that two of these traits reflect upon how we interact with people rather than the functions we perform. The third concept goes to accepting ourselves, rather than struggling with who we think we are supposed to be.

So, when we examine the idea of the importance in being useful, we learn that it gets down to discovering ourselves fully and sharing that with the people we meet. Never for a moment doubt how powerful your presence in others’ lives can be! If you choose to inject warmth, laughter, joy, peace, or safety into another person’s day, these traits can become hallmarks of your life and the cornerstone of what you provide to others.

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.

Most of us have heard the old adage that goes, “into each life some rain must fall.”  Well, the saying really is true.  Everyone goes through periods of adversity in their lives, experiencing trauma, or living through times of high stress.  The range of these experiences varies from automobile accidents, to the loss of jobs, to severe personal illness or illness in our family, to the deaths of loved ones, to the extreme shock of incidents like nine-eleven in 2001 or the Virginia Tech shootings in 2007.  We can expect traumatic events to occur in the course of our life and those of people we love.  Remarkably, though, most of us never develop intense stress symptoms because of these experiences.

The reason for this lies in our ability to bounce back, to be resilient.  You can think of resilience in terms of a rubber band that, when stretched, returns its original shape.  For many, this ability to overcome troubling events is a part of their temperament, but the good news is that we all possess and can amplify this gift.

In the scientific sense, resilience refers to the personal and environmental factors influencing a good adjustment.  In the day-to-day sense, it means those personal qualities and resources that help us move on with our lives.  Research into resilience has been going on for decades.  This research has looked into the influences that tend to reduce the effects of severe stress as well as those that intensify it.

So, what has this research discovered that can help you recognize what makes the process of coping with trauma and adversity more effective for you?  You can begin by examining the behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and actions that help you deal with your problems.  Perhaps you use meditation, exercise, or hobbies; maybe you like doing puzzles or reading.  Your strategies could also include playing a musical instrument or drawing.  These activities allow us return to a sense of feeling centered so that we reconnect to our qualities rather than focus on the problems or perceived flaws.

Some people like to write.  I would suggest that in your writing, you avoid a focus entirely upon those painful or stressful parts of your life.  Remember as well to remark on the beauty you see around you.  If you feel on a given day that it is hard to find the beauty, make a point of looking for something: someone’s smile, children playing innocently, a pleasant aroma.  Be sure, in other words, to stop and smell the roses.

Work to develop and maintain a sense of hopefulness; believe that whatever you deal with now you can move through and that you will find the resources to do so.  Believe, as well, that good will come from your efforts.

Research into resilience has found that a person’s spirituality can be a powerful factor influencing their resilience.  Of equal importance, especially to children and adolescents, but also for adults, is finding and connecting to a constant person in their life.  By this I mean an individual who can be relied upon as a listener, who will reflect personal qualities to us, and who, when critical, will do so only when essential and only to the degree needed to help us cope more effectively.  Above all, a constant person is someone who remains available to us day in and day out.  I hope that you can see, as well, the importance for all of us to nurture these qualities in ourselves, so that we can become a constant person for others.

All of these strategies help us regain a sense of our own power, see where our control lies, and find ways to deal with the stress in our life.  They allow us to begin to perceive our world and ourselves differently so that our natural mental and physical attributes can begin whatever healing process we need.

Let me briefly mention something about posttraumatic stress.  We hear a great deal about it in the news, and, to tell the truth, many people develop it, not only in the military, but also in our society.  Having said that, though, let me emphasize that most people do not develop posttraumatic stress following the experience of a trauma.  If you experience trauma or severe adversity, remember, the chances are you will come out of it okay.  Recall that I mentioned in the beginning that everyone experiences some form of trauma and adversity in their lives without developing intense stress.  Assuming that you have posttraumatic stress only increases the chances it will develop.  If you find that your normal means of dealing with problems has not proved effective, then consult with a professional experienced in helping with these issues.

To discover more about resilience and to learn more about it, begin by looking at the American Psychological Association site on the subject:

www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

Finally, trust your own ability to work through the stress in your life and trust also your perseverance to do so.  Remember that most people who face trials in their lives move past them in healthy ways, and that we all have the capacity to nurture that capacity for resilience.

Remember that you are resilient.

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.

To illustrate my meaning, I would like to tell a brief story.  Imagine a football player who intercepts a pass on his own three-yard line.  Perhaps his team is losing by a few points.  He turns and begins to run down the field.  He sees the “goal” ahead of him: that line past which he needs to get the football in order to score points.  As he runs, our player hears the thudding of footfalls behind him, the opposing team, he imagines, trying to bring him down.  He passes his own ten-yard line, then the twenty-yard line, and goes on beyond the fifty-yard line, still sprinting hard.  He continues hearing his pursuers behind him and also his teammates as they block tackles.  Then, one of the opposing players reaches him, grabbing his waist.  Our player is certain he will be brought down, yet, with his eyes still fixed downfield, he breaks the tackle and keeps moving.  Our player continues running with the ball until at last a tackler gets a solid hold on him, and he falls on the three-yard line: almost, but not quite at the goal line.

Has our player failed?  Well, he certainly did not reach his “goal” of crossing the line.  To hear the cheers of the crowd and of his team though, you would not think them disappointed.  While not actually getting to the goal line, he has put his team in a very favorable position.  His intention, if not his goal, has been attained.

So here is my point: power derives from making a decision about a direction in which to take your life and then begin to vitalize it with your energy.  The decision can be as simple as getting the lawn mowed or as long-term as earning a college degree while raising a family.

After making the decision, create an intention.  Intention is a simple, present tense statement of your desire.  For instance, our player’s intention might be, “I am running to score.”  You trust that the images, talents, and knowledge that you require already exist within you or lie within your grasp through the resources you will encounter.  As our football player trusts his strength, speed, and the help of his teammates, you rely upon the personal qualities you possess and the resources that become available to you.

For many, though not everyone, visualizing yourself as having achieved your intention often proves very powerful.  Think of it as creating a mental image of yourself at the moment you fulfill what you intended to do.  Our player might see himself standing in the end zone, holding the football above his head, for example.

Now, after setting your intention, let go of the outcome.  That is, stop wondering what might happen or worrying about success.  Keep your mind on the moment, making the consistent choice to move forward, mindful of your reason for doing so.  Choose to continue on with your purpose, like our football player, who fixes his eyes on his intention even when he experiences what seems like a setback. With this frame of mind, there are no failures; the choice becomes the triumph.  There are no setbacks, only instances to look at alternatives.

Letting go of the outcome of your efforts may seem counter-intuitive at first, perhaps even somewhat naïve.  After all, you might say, bad things happen; we need to prepare for them.  Indeed unpleasant experiences do occur.  People who look for these occasions tend to find them, however, and how we frame our life experiences can predict how we experience our lives and ourselves.  More danger lies in doubt and worry than in optimism.

Moreover, when we worry about the outcome, we are putting our mental and emotional efforts, not to mention our time, into something that has not yet happened.  On the other hand, we could focus on the immediate step needed to achieve our desired end, thereby improving the odds that it will become reality.

With this perspective, problems become experiences with which to learn and deepen ourselves.  You do not “have to” attain anything.  Our fears, like unseen footfalls from our past, seeming to chase us with our memories, are, after all, only old beliefs that follow us.  They can be ignored because we have already succeeded.

Begin to practice and discover how genuinely powerful these ideas can become in your life.

Make an intention and let go of the outcome!

Bernard J. Bonner, Ph.D.

New York City Marathon 2005

Greetings and welcome to our blog!

Everyone has probably heard the incessant chatter from self-help TV personalities or anyone on the Oprah Network about the benefits of daily exercise. While I’m not one to hop on the bandwagon of every trend that’s compelling enough for a soundbite on your nightly news, the advice about exercise has merit. Research is very consistent about the benefits of exercise on mental health. I know a lot of you probably have questions about the link between exercise and mental health so here are some answers.

What are the psychological benefits of exercise? Trust me, they’re numerous! Reading through the research literature, I’ve seen articles indicating a correlation between regular exercise and well-being, stress tolerance, and happiness as you age. The more you exercise, the more your body learns to cope with environmental stressors, so exercise can actually decrease your daily experience of stress.  Exercise has also been used as an effective treatment for both depression and anxiety. Exercise can be as effective as either psychotherapy or medication at decreasing depression!  The more a person exercises, the less likely they are to develop dementia. Symptoms of dementia and even Parkinson’s may decrease with exercise. Exercise helps you stay more in the moment and enjoy the world around you. Self concept, mastery, self-efficacy, self-sufficiency and body image also typically improve as you exercise more frequently.

Based on all the benefits of exercise, why do only 30 percent of Americans exercise daily? The main explanation I’ve heard in my practice is lack of time. When exercise isn’t a priority, you won’t find time for it. I would argue that virtually everyone could find time to exercise if it was a higher priority and not seen as an additional stressor in an already hectic life. Instead of “winding down” at the end of a long sedentary day at work by engaging in a sedentary activity like watching television, you can find an enjoyable activity such as walking, swimming, biking, running, rowing, or dancing to relax. You don’t have to be a slave to the gym, as some might have you believe. Exercise can decrease tension, improve your ability to manage stress and elevate your mood.

The way I see it, you don’t have time NOT to exercise.

How much exercise do I need to reap the benefits both psychologically and physically? I don’t think there’s a magic number, but I’ve seen some estimates. The International Society for Sports Psychology suggested 20 to 30 minutes, three times per week. The President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports recommends 30 minutes a day five days per week for adults and 60 minutes a day for children. Don’t despair, however, one study found that as little as a daily 10 minute brisk walk can lead to improvements in mood. Whatever you do, just try to move more and sit less!

I don’t just preach about the benefits of exercise, I am a avid follower of my own advice. After a sedentary and generally unhealthy period of about two years in college, I gained a significant amount of weight. I was not only overweight, I was unhappy and experiencing more anxiety than ever in my life. I decided to make a change and began exercising daily. My exercise eventually turned to running and I lost over 50 pounds. Since then, I’ve run more than 15 marathons and my mood has never been better. I don’t claim that exercise has been the sole cause of my improved emotional well-being, but I believe it plays a large role.

So hopefully, this information can serve as the impetus to make time for exercise on a regular basis. I speak from my own experience that exercise can have a profound effect on your mind and body!

Kai Syvertsen, PhD